I think that menopausal women, and post-menopausal women, are having a moment. I’m serious.
Let me explain.
For a week in January, Hubby and I watched The Change on Britbox. I’d watched the first few minutes of the first episode on my own. It’s about Linda, a woman who has just turned fifty and is in the early throes of menopause. Realizing how little appreciated she is by her husband and children, she decides to leave for a while. To sort herself out, figure out who she is other than a wife and mother, and try to reclaim a precious object from her childhood.
I loved it immediately. Then I stoped watching and decided that maybe Hubby might want to watch it with me. I mean, he’s a pretty new-age guy… for a hockey player… he might like a show about a menopausal woman.
He did. We started watching two, and sometimes even three, episodes a night. We laughed at the dialogue, we tapped our feet at the great sound track. We fell in love with the quirky characters and the setting in the Forest of Dean, where two sisters own a ramshackle cafe and serve up their speciality “eels and mash”. We loved the themes of ancient folklore and old customs (real and fictional), and the emergence of the middle-aged women in the village as a force to be reckoned with. Written by and starring comedian Bridget Christie, this series was the perfect mid-winter antidote. Funny, funny, funny, touching, and life-affirming.
You might have already heard about this show. It came out a couple of years ago. But if you haven’t, I think you’d love it. There’s quite a bit of salty language, but it’s never gratuitous, in my opinion, anyway. And a little salty language is worth it for the privilege of watching the women, and even some of the men, in this show find themselves, actually like their new selves, and feel as if they are approaching this new stage of life stronger and more empowered. You can watch the season 1 trailer here, if you like.
Then this week, I started watching on my own the series Riot Women. It’s been available in the UK for a few months, but it’s new over here. And it’s about more menopausal women. Except these women start a rock band. Wow. This is way saltier than The Change, but I am loving it as much, or maybe even more. Riot Women, created and written by the incomparable Sally Wainwright, is brilliant.
The characters are all of a certain age, some still working in demanding jobs, juggling careers, aging parents, ex-husbands, dating again, retirement, family strife… and menopause. The youngest is Kitty, played by 45 year-old Rosalie Craig. Kitty is angry, troubled, wild, vulnerable, and sometimes exasperating. But boy, she can sing. And of the others only high school teacher Beth, played by 64 year-old Joanna Scanlan, can play an instrument. So the idea that they will form a rock band and play in a local talent contest seems unbelievable to their families, and even initially to themselves.
But what a ride it is watching these women turn themselves into a band, and then decide to ditch singing safe covers of old Abba songs and, instead, channel their anger and pain into their music. Apparently Amelia Bullmore 62, who plays midwife Yvonne, was told that she had to learn to play lead guitar, for real, before filming began. Watching her play at the end of episode four, complete with a wild kick at the end of the song, is wonderful. Pub owner, Jess, played by 64 year-old Lorraine Ashbourne is exuberant on the drums. As is 59 year-old Tamsin Greig, playing recently retired cop Holly, on bass guitar. The song they play at the talent contest had me on my feet, wishing I was watching the show with my girlfriends or my sisters.
I should add that the series is about much more than the formation of a band. It’s about pain and joy, about loss and vulnerability, and love. And it is violent at times, and sad, and soooo worth watching.
By the way, I mention the ages of the women starring in Riot Women because it’s important that they are women of a certain age, who look like women of a certain age, playing women of a certain age. And if this show had been made ten years ago, or if it had been made in Hollywood, I’ll bet that would not have been the case.
I haven’t seen a show that deals with menopause with women actors who actually look as if they might be at that stage of life since the seventies. Not since Edith Bunker battled menopause in All in the Family, and Bea Arthur as Maud considered having an abortion when she found herself pregnant at age 47. I wonder when television, especially North American television, got so mealy-mouthed, so frightened to talk about things like menopause. So afraid to show women aging. Fifty year old women looking fifty, so to speak.
And isn’t it odd, and wonderful, that older actresses, and models are having their moment in this era of botox and fillers, not to mention lifts of every sort?
You can watch the trailer for Riot Women season 1 here, if you like.
And here’s the thing. Many of us are far beyond menopause. We’re post-menopausal now; I know I am. Menopause in all its glory is behind us. The night sweats, the irrational anger, the unpredictable return of periods after like six months of no periods, the fuzzy brain. And what Canadian comedian Sandra Shamus calls “her loss of nouns”… Shamus says in one of her shows that she opened her cupboard one day and all her nouns were gone, replaced by eleven adjectives each. I loved that.
So how joyous is it to be able to look back and laugh at that time in our lives? And feel that getting past childbearing years was, well, freeing. And how amazing for there to be a show that can empower our younger friends, and our daughters and nieces, who are still struggling with night sweats and feelings of invisibility.
I was heavily into the throes of menopause, myself, back in 2008 when I took a leave of absence from work and Hubby and I travelled to New Zealand and Australia for a three-month trip. This was our second trip down-under. Because we’d seen much of the east coast of Australia five years earlier, we concentrated on the west this time. Flew into Perth, drove south to Esperance, then back north to the gold mining area of Kalgoorlie, before hitting the west coast highway and driving the length of the west coast up to Broome, in the northern Kimberly region. All told, that’s about 3600 km, not counting the diversion to Kalgoorlie or the 200 km detour to Exmouth. So many, many kilometres. A veritable odyssey of a road trip.
That was an amazing trip. But as I said, I was deep into menopause. I was cranky, unpredictable, had no nouns to speak of on the tip of my tongue. And I was hot. All the time.
The two shots below were taken in a country pub where we stayed enroute from Kalgoorlie to the west coast highway. Never again will we be fooled by the quirky exterior of an accommodation. Or how charming the bar is. Or how chatty the landlady. We’d checked in, had two beers, and eaten dinner before we checked out our room. It was bad. But by then we’d had, as I said, two beers and it was pitch dark out. Too late to change our minds. “No Escape” … as the sign says.
In our room, I lay on my bed, cot more like, in my clothes, in the dark. I was not getting under the covers. There were spider webs on the walls. In the shared bathroom, seemingly tacked on at the rear, the floor slanted so much we feared the whole room might fall off the building. And behind the curtains in our room, the window was boarded up. I am NOT kidding.
Hubby was soon fast asleep. But I lay bathed in the sweat of a hot flash, and then developed the hiccoughs. Hot flash and hiccoughs. Joy. Then Hubby began to snore. I lay there, in the dark, cursing him. I may not have had any nouns, but I had lots of adjectives, people. And I remember thinking, “I am in hell.”
From “Hell Hole Hotel” as we called it, we made for the coast and turned north. What a time to head into the outback, to one of the hottest parts of a hot country. The nighttime low temperature in Broome was 32°C. Thank goodness we’d rented an air-conditioned cabin in a caravan park. We were a five minute walk to the beach. Walking back after our swim we’d become so hot that we’d have to jump in the park pool. Then rush back to our air-conditioned cabin. Canadians are not good in the heat. Let alone menopausal Canadians.
I remember not being able to cool down. Showers didn’t help. Swimming was only a temporary respite because we eventually had to leave the water and walk back to our cabin. In the heat. Finally each night before I tried to go to sleep, I’d go outside and stand on the small porch of our cabin. I’d stand there in the heat until I was really hot. Then I’d head back into the cool cabin. It helped a little. I did that several times a night.
Hubby quipped that he was going to write a memoir when we got home. He said he’d call it “Meno-paused in the Outback.”
After Broome, we’d intended to go to Darwin, Northern Australia and area, but my stepfather died suddenly. So we turned tail and headed for home. That in itself was an odyssey, albeit by plane and not car.
I was all stress, sadness, hot flashes, tears. With occasional spurts of anger at unhelpful car rental clerks or cancelled flights. Hubby was dealing with his own sadness. And with me, and my grief … and menopause to boot.
I was so upset that I was no help at all in navigating airports. Of which there were six over three days. Broome to Ottawa is not a direct route. Usually Hubby takes the bags, and I handle all the tickets and vouchers and arrangements etc. This time he juggled the bags and the documents, and steered me to a seat somewhere whenever I started to cry. Again.
For many reasons, not least of which was menopause, that trip was memorable. Or maybe I should say “the menopause” like you guys in the UK say. Makes it sound more unique, don’t you think?
Anyway. For all the reasons above, menopausal women deserve their moment, and much more. And because of these two brilliant shows out of the UK, they’re getting it. Menopausal women are hot, so to speak.
Watching these shows and writing this post has made me think of all the wonderful books I’ve read about women during midlife, and afterwards. Navigating change in their lives, along with “the change.” But that’s a whole other post. This post is long enough as it is.
Now, if you like, have a listen to the clip below. It’s from the end of episode four of Riot Women. There are no real spoilers here, except that you do see the band’s performance at the talent show. Still, it’s worth it.
I’ve watched it about five times since I’ve been writing this post. Makes me think that when I finally finish the series, I’ll watch it all over again. And I hear there’s a season two coming.
Enjoy the ride, my friends.
P.S. I have to add that “Hell Hole Hotel” was not at all representative of the rest of our accommodation while we were in western Australia. We stayed in some wonderful places all up the west coast. Hubby and I highly recommend staying in caravan parks. The cabins were lovely, and we often ate at the communal barbeque areas so we could laugh and share stories with other travellers we met.
35 thoughts on “Are Menopausal Women Having a Moment?”
Smashing! Both series! Wonderful,real actors,no (visible) botox or fillers. I would like so much to have Brit Box,but it is not avaliable in Croatia (yet,hopefully)
And this was quite a surprise-your post so early!
Dottoressa
They are both great series. I loved seeing older women go wild. Ha. By the way, my post is so early because I’m taking a class on Saturday afternoons now and have to have my post finished before I go.
I agree, Sally Wainwright is brilliant, and I’m sure she could turn your expedition through Western Australia into a wonderful TV series. I wish I had some good casting suggestions about who should play you. All I could come up with is Meg Ryan but she isn’t tall enough, though I’m sure she could capture the misery of staying in that awful pub. Meryl, perhaps? She’s filmed here before.
As an Australian, I don’t do cold weather very well. I recall visiting London one November and hating it because there was hardly any daylight, endless miserable grey skies, lots of rain and I was cold to my bones no matter how many layers of clothes I put on. I also avoid staying in pub accommodation, and would never do so in our wild, westernmost state, though nearly two decades might have brought some improvements.
November in Ontario is our most difficult month. The rain and the cold are worse, or so it seems, than the colder temps of the snowy months that follow.
Yes , we loved Riot Women too . Sally Wainwright can do no wrong as far as we are concerned . Her Happy Valley was excellent . She selects her actors very carefully & has a core of favourites , real women ( & men too ) unglamorous , unbotoxed , no chiclet teeth but all great actors . If any of them are on a cast list then it is usually something worth watching . They don’t just follow the money . And set in Yorkshire too – West Yorkshire but nearly as good as North Yorkshire 😉
Chicklet teeth… that’s perfect. Some veneers look great and are really natural. But seeing perfect white, straight teeth on an older person, say an aging politician, can be a bit jarring, I think.
Brilliant, you are so right, I could watch that video many more times.
I am so glad to be past those days, mostly, not sure about the mood swings still, Ha.
I can remember standing on the back deck in a snow storm with my husband freezing inside the house.
You are much braver than I am, I don’t think I could have stayed in that room, but the car would not have been any better.
I like the fact that talking about menopause is more accepted now and these shows are wonderful, just wish I could get them. Will keep searching.
Those were my two sleeping options… on that bed or in our rental car. At least in the car I wouldn’t have had the snoring.
Okay, that does it! My post-menopausal baby sister (how did that happen?!) has been after me for months now to subscribe to BritBox so I could watch Riot Women and chat about it with her. I’ve finally unsubscribed from Apple so I’m ready to glue myself to British TV for the foreseeable future 😉
Remember when Edith Bunker broke TV taboos by mentioning “the change”? Just looked it up, Season 2, Episode 15 — going to see where I might be able to stream it. When I first watched that episode, menopause was unimaginaably far off for me, and now it’s 15 or so years in the rear-view mirror. And you’re right — it’s definitely having a moment now!! Brava!
Yes, Edith’s unpredictable temper or Maud’s dilemma did not resonate for me either at the time when I was in my teens. Ha.
Technically, medically, menopause is only one day I think in definition, but it’s great that women are becoming more aware of what is involved in perimenopause and then the needs of our bodies in post-menopause. I’ll admit that there were many perimenopause symptoms that I only recognized after the fact, e.g., sleep disturbances, increased numbers of migraines). I also like that middle-aged women are generally getting their moment (loved the Norwegian series Pernille, but haven’t seen these British ones).
My only concern (there’s always a worry!) is that I’ve seen comments from men about how women in their late forties and fifties can’t handle responsible jobs because of the brain fog and discomfort of the menopause transition, Ugh. You battle for thirty years through the 80s, 90s, 00s to demonstrate that you are as smart as the boys and then you’re told you’re not competent because you’ve “lost your nouns!” I have not lost my nouns, thank you very much!! There will always be a group of men wanting to push women back into the shadows, sadly.
I suppose if we are empowered to know what to do about it, i.e. if we require treatment, to get it, and to understand our bodies, that’s a great start.
I had a motel experience like that once, though not in Australia. I refused to sleep there and ended up moving with my companion in the night. 🙂
I finally looked up the difference between perimenopause and menopause. One being the actual cessation (pause), and the other all the attending and surrounding symptoms (peri). I never knew that was the definition of the prefix “peri.” Interesting. 🙂
Yes, yes, yes! Menopause has been a back burner topic for way too long. I loved these series and I’m so glad you mentioned them.
There are also several good books now out about health changes that may be linked to menopause and how hormone replacement therapy can help (if you can find a health professional willing to listen).
I had a really good book when I was in my forties. But I eschewed HRT. By symptoms were not very bad except for that one short period when we were in Australia.
Have only seen the amazing Riot Women which was mesmerising and my favourite series from Sally Wainwright. It’s shocking in the sense that it’s a topic that could only be allowed to be shown now and like you say, not 10 years ago. Shocking in what women face in life.
Television in the seventies, at least on this side of the Atlantic seemed much braver than the following decades. Until recently. Anyone watched “Heated Rivalry”? It’s Canadian, by the way. About two gay male hockey players on rival teams.
Being now at the age of crone menopause is long past. Not to brag but it was relatively easy as I had my kids later in life so didn’t really have time to think about it much and the estrogen was still flowing, last period in my early fifties. Looking back though it was when I finally had my lifelong clinical depression diagnosed and treated but mid life didn’t trigger it and it still dogs me. My older child was entering puberty we both would sit rubbing our chins, he rejoicing in new growth me, not so much! I am not sure why menopause was such a non event in my family but two aunts had total hysterectomies in their thirties, my mom was always unpredictable and crazy so no behavioural difference there and my grandmother said she thought having a baby at forty two might have had an affect.
I think my grandmother might have been onto something her whole ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’ attitude might be key. I read that there are cultures where menopause, like morning sickness isn’t a thing. Is it our western culture or diet (lot of wine drinking going on)or lifestyles that contribute? I’ve seen coworkers look like they were going to spontaneously combust in front of me and others erupt into unexpected and unprofessional tirades so I am not denying that menopausal symptoms exist just wondering why some women swing through unscathed and others suffer.
I find this to be an interesting comment. Who knows. I also didn’t find the menopause transition particularly difficult but context is different (no late children!). I’m not sure if it’s just because I have a high discomfort threshold anyway, having been a competitive athlete, and also having been raised in a family of “suck it up” types. My mom had an early hysterectomy and said not a word about the transition so I was completely on my own. I know a few older women from my workplace who said they struggled mightily, but they also sought out hormone therapy and other help and that made a difference. Apart from some migraines, I’ve never been debilitated by it and if anything I think I’m a smarter person with more integrated thinking at this stage in my life, so the idea that I’m not competent because of my hormones really boils my blood. That said, the physical changes are real and we need to adapt. I don’t often drink anymore as it affects my sleep. I also tend to eat a healthy, high fibre diet and get lots of exercise, so those things probably help a bit, too (at least with the sleep issues that often plague women).
I too had an easy go of it. “The change of life”, as my mum always called it, did not bother me as much as it did some of my friends. So in consultation with my GP I didn’t even consider HRT. My worst time was when we were in Australia. I guess the heat triggered my internal heat. I occasionally lost nouns, as Sandra Shamus says, but did not suffer from brain fog other than that. My tendency to launch into anecdotes and lose my train of thought in the classroom had always existed. So no change there. Ha.
Great post- I loved the audience response in the video- Mary Lou
Wasn’t it good? Especially the few grumpy men in the audience.
Love your posts…they make my week. Also love BritBox. So many great shows come from Great Britain: Shetland, Grace, Ludwig, Death Valley, McDonald & Dodd. Thank you for pointing out these two shows about women. Hooray for all of us who have “survived” the Menopause!!!
We can’t do without Brit Box now. Much better than waiting and hoping the shows make it to PBS. Still I feel bad to not be watching PBS. They have enough of a battle as it is.
Brilliant! I needed this 3 weeks after hip replacement surgery that has been replete with pitfalls. Thank you Sue!
So happy this post helped, Sarah. Good luck with the rest of your recovery.
Thanks for the TV show recommendations. Your description of the “hotel” room made me laugh. I stayed in a similar room in India; I remember wondering if it had ever been cleaned. Great clip of the talent show!
The worst travel experiences always make the best stories, don’t they?
This all made me laugh! Traveling is certainly an adventure in many ways.
p.s. I never had a single hot flash. Don’t hate me!
I wonder why it hits some women hard and not others. My girlfriend is still having hot flashes and she turns 70 this month.
Riot Women is on tv here at the moment and I’m recording it so I can watch it all in a few nights plus skip the adverts.
I had a hysterectomy at 35 but they left one ovary so I was never quite sure if and when menopause had started. My doctor wasn’t keen on HRT so suggested a herbal tablet based on black cohosh which seemed to work. Best thing about the whole process was the cessation of migraines.
We had a similar hotel experience in Denver. We were on a ten day train trip across the US and hadn’t booked a lot of our accommodation so upon arrival at the station we looked at the notice board and found a hotel which we phoned and booked a room. The taxi driver looked a bit surprised at the address we gave him. That should have been a clue I suspect. Turned out to be an establishment where rooms were booked by the hour! The manager was most surprised to see us arrive with suitcases. The night only got better with red cloths over the lamps, no plug for the bath and when our son went for a shower I wondered if he had taken up clog dancing! Just killing the cockroaches Mum!
Life can be full of mysteries and surprises with menopause being one. As a friend said – your cardigan becomes your best friend.
Gad. Your hotel experience was definitely worse than mine was, Kenzie!!
Both shows sound fantastic. Sadly, I don’t have BritBox. There seem to be so many good shows on it. Perhaps I’ll look into it.
Whew! Your trip sounds amazing and challenging. The heat! Hot flashes! The loss of your stepfather and navigating an unexpected journey home. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it.
I have one funny memory about menopause. While driving in the car with my husband and son, I rolled down the window and someone dared to complain about being cold. I told them, I’m down to a tank top here. If I take that off, it’s only my bra. You can put on more layers if you’re cold. I cannot take off anything else. There were no complaints after that.
Good story, Dottie. 🙂
New age, and a hockey fan, sounds like a well rounded individual.
My professional hockey playing father, who was also on a world championship team, was much more than either descriptor.
Sounds aspirational. Let’s aim for multi faceted males and females.
That’s awesome, Mary Lou. My Hubby played hockey until he was seventy… now it’s mostly cross-country skiing. And cooking. A good mix in my view. 🙂
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